A Happy You is A Happy Life

The importance of empathy

How stress affects your brain

5 Steps to Happiness

You Are Unstoppable

I wanted to share this with you because the speeches in it got me thinking for the better. It was exactly what I was needing. This goes so much deeper than equestrianism. Even if you're not into horses, just listen.. & Yes, I made this video, but I do not own the clips or audio.

Posted by Kaitlyn Brooke on Wednesday, December 9, 2015

A Very Happy Brain

Live Interview

IQ vs. EQ with Daniel Goleman

The Happy Secret to Better Work

Posts in category Managing Emotions

18 Things NOT To Say To Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One



It is very important to both the griever and the friends to read this article. When someone is hurting, most of us only want to comfort them. However, in our efforts of doing so, quite the opposite can happen.  Be aware of traditional cliches and the possibility of offending your family or friend.  Read on and learn my top 18 things NOT to say to someone who is grieving.

25-things-not-to-say-300x207

1.  “I know how you feel” – even if you have had a similar loss, you really do not know. As each person is unique and individual so is the grief journey.
 
2.  “It’s just God’s plan/will” – some griever’s feel very disconnected from their faith, mad at their God and even feel like they are being punished and saying this could make things much worse; some griever’s may have a different belief system than you. 
 
3.  “Just look at all the things you have to be thankful for” TIMING people. I am the first one to be positive and find the silver lining and TIMING is so important. This can be very hurtful and detrimental to the healing process. A griever must FEEL to HEAL. Distracting or redirecting them prompts them to NOT FEEL the sadness.
 
4.  “He’s in a better place now” – Griever’s at the time feel the ‘best’ place for their loved one was with them. Especially if the death was premature and/or unexpected.  
 
5.  “God needed another angel” – This may build more fear into a griever’s mind as they may begin to think that other loved ones are going to die because God needs more angels. 
 
6.  “You’ve still got your other children/siblings or parent”. – Each relationship between people is special, unique and individual. Comparing relationships is not a good thing.
 
7.   “Don’t cry — crying only upsets you” – The griever is upset already as grief is what we are feeling on the inside. Crying is a form of love and release. It will help relieve the upsets and cleanse at the same time.
 
8.  “God will never give you more than you can handle” – PRESSURE! When a griever is feeling like they just can’t take one more thing and then THIS is said to them, they can really begin to question their faith and purpose. 
 
9.  “Get a hold of yourself” – Oh boy, does this add pressure to the griever who is already feeling out of control. 
 
10.  “It’s time to get on with your life” – This implies you, the friend, is uncomfortable seeing the griever in the state of grief and mourning. It’s a very selfish thing to say to a griever. Until you walk a mile in their shoes. . . 
 
11.  “You are so strong” “you can handle this” , or “You must be strong for the kids” – This can give the griever a false sense of carrying the weight of the world all alone on their shoulders. It can mislead the griever into judging themselves of having to have it all together and deter them from reaching out for help and asking for help.
 
12.  “You’ll get over it in time” – Nope, a griever doesn’t ‘get over it’.  A griever learns to live with the loss and integrate life, loss and love.
 
13.  “You’ll be okay in a year” – Putting a specific linear time component will set the griever up for unrealistic expectations. The grieving/mourning process does not run on a linear time table.
 
14.  “Time heals all wounds” – A griever may perceive this as a specific amount of time on a linear time table. Not possible to say ‘how much’ time until the wound is healed. 2 months, a year, 10 years? This could set a griever up for a never ending expectation.
 
15.  “He/She is ALWAYS with you” – This may seem very comforting, but the fact of the matter is many grievers are going through a biological feeling of loss and it’s very difficult to fathom that when indeed they cannot speak to or hold their loved one.
 
16.  “At least you had ‘X’ amount of time with him/her” – NEVER does an empathic response begin with ‘AT LEAST’. 
 
17.  “You’re the man of the house now” – This adds unnecessary pressure, guilt, and can affect self-esteem. 
 
18.  “You’ll find someone else” – Most grievers are NOT wanting to jump right back on the horse and ‘replace’ their loved one. That diminishes the value of the love shared and the person who died.
STAY TUNED FOR MY NEXT BLOG ON “The BEST Things To Say To Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One”
 
If you or someone you know is struggling with the grief and mourning process after losing a loved one and is yearning for JOY restoration, please contact me.  I’ve been there.  I can help.  You need not travel this journey alone.
 
Love and JOY,
Cynthia 

Please Be Patient With Me and Stay My Friend



my_idea_of_a_good_friend3-250x160What I cannot do while I grieve…
 
I cannot ‘get over it’ or ‘buck up’ – I know it may be very uncomfortable for you to see me this way.  I am grieving and mourning and my emotions are all over the place.  My loss is all I see right now with no peripheral vision.  Please be patient with me and stay my friend.
 
I cannot ‘go back to my old self’ – That self has been changed forever. There will be some characteristics and traits that will journey with me.  Everything that defined who I was before this loss has been altered, shattered and changed.  Please be patient with me and stay my friend.
 
I cannot ‘believe this was God’s will” – Right now I am in too much pain.  I am confused.  I am frustrated.  I am searching for answers.  I am trying to make sense.  I am asking ‘why’ and ‘what if’ and saying ‘if only’.  Please be patient with me and stay my friend.
 
I cannot ‘be strong’ – Some days it takes every ounce of energy to just get out of bed or get the kids dressed or on the bus. I am not being weak when I cry or don’t answer the phone every time you call.  I like it when you leave a message as I feel less alone.  Please be patient with me and stay my friend.
 
What I CAN do while I grieve…
 
I can go towards the pain and mourn.  You will find me listening to music that makes me cry.  You will find me reminiscing through pictures and I will cry.  You will find me talking about my loved one and I will cry.  You will find me telling my story many times and it will make me cry.  You see the connection between my heart and head has been severed.  My heart if feeling everything my head can’t fathom.  Thank you for being patient with me and staying my friend.
 
I can ‘be’ and ‘suspend’.  You may get frustrated with me for not accepting all of your invitations to do things.  You may be frustrated that I am not grieving the way you see fit.  You may think I am doing it all wrong.  Thank you for being patient with me and staying my friend.
 
I can honor my loved one.  I can create a scrapbook, plant a garden, keep a memory trunk, make a quilt from their clothing, celebrate their birthday, have a special ornament for the tree, release balloons, write poetry, write a book, simply say their name in conversations.  Thank you for being patient with me and staying my friend.
 
I can try new things.  You may not agree with me in my choices and you may have your own opinion on what’s right or wrong; however, it’s up to me to learn again.  My feet have to test the waters.  I have to make mistakes to learn.  Thank you for being patient with me and staying my friend.
 
I can find things to do that are therapeutic.  I can get a massage.  I can garden. I can journal.  I can read.  I can listen to music. I can plug into new circles of friends.  I can reach out for help.  Thank you for being patient with me and staying my friend.
Love and Joy,
Cynthia Gossman
You need not grieve alone. Contact me for more information. Cynthia@CynthiaGossman.com
 
Copyright – Cynthia Gossman, Grief and Relationship Coach, Life After Loss Healing Solutions, LLC

Circle the Date



circlethedate

Throughout the years, I have been blessed by walking with so many on their journey of loss, grief and mourning and helping them reach the path of healing. I have also been blessed with a voice to advocate for the griever and educate the non-grievers/companions on how to help their friends and loved ones who are hurting.  Here’s one of my favorite tips:

Circle the date of the loss on the calendar in every month for a year. Life resumes normalcy quick after the funeral for friends and companions, yet the griever’s life has come to a complete stop, is in slow motion, and time is greatly distorted. While the griever is chartering unknown territory, the pain, lonesomeness, confusion, and so much more slaps ‘doses of reality’ of the death in their face over and over.

A few months down the road when everyone else is back living their own lives (the out of town company has gone back home, the food and meals aren’t being dropped off anymore, the phone calls/texts are few and far between, the flourish of cards and condolences are not arriving in the mailbox anymore) the griever is often left feeling even more lost and alone.

When we (the companion to the griever) ‘remember’, it brings tremendous comfort to the griever. So, Circle the date and let that be a gentle reminder to you to send a ‘thinking of you’ card, invite them out for lunch, or swing by for a cup of coffee.  Disconnection is transparent and your act of love and kindness by ‘remembering’ will bring a sense of connection and diminish the feelings of isolation.

Love and JOY,
Cynthia

Join Our VIP Community

SIGN UP TODAY

Great Books

"The Gift of Change - Spirtual Guidance for a Radically New Life"
by Marianne Williamson

"The Best Year Of Your Life - dream it.plan it.live it"
by Debbie Ford

"The Aladdin Factor"
by: Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

"What is Your WHAT?"
by: Steve Olsher

"The Slight Edge"
by: Jeff Olson

"Wherever You Go There You Are"
by: Jon Kabat-Zinn

"Play - How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul"
by: Stuart Brown, MD with Christopher Vaughan

"The Tools - Transform Your Problems Into Courage, Confidence, and Creativity"
by: Phil Stutz and Barry Michels

"Unglued - Making Wise Choices In The Midst Of Raw Emotions"
by: Lysa Terkeurst

"Excuses Begone! - How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits"
by: Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

"Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"
by: Susan Jeffers, Ph.D

"MAKE MONEY Not Excuses - Wake Up, Take Charge, and Overcome Your Financial Fears Forever"
by: Jean Chatzky

"Who Moved My Cheese?"
by: Spencer Johnson, M.D.

"What's Worth Knowing"
by: Wendy Lustbader

loading